Realization

Yesterday marked another month gone by without a new pregnancy. I keep trying to not hope too much, but find that I am, in spite of my efforts. On a lonely drive in the car, I let the tears fall, and told God about how I was feeling. It was a mixture of desiring to trust Him, feeling incapable of doing so completely, having a deep pain of knowing that if my last pregnancy hadn't ended, I would be over halfway already and getting kicks and tumbles from the child inside of me. And at this point I realized that there was a subtle hint of shame that I've felt, without realizing it. I think it comes from the fact that my body wasn't able to keep the baby.
At that moment, God spoke to me, gentle and deep, "Anneke, you are trying to ease the pain of your loss by hoping to quickly replace that child with another one. Anneke, you cannot replace a life." I sucked in my breath sharply and my eyes widened as I realized it was true. Of course I sobbed all the more as I allowed myself to grieve again over my child. There is a line in "Facing the Giants," where a mom who is trying to get pregnant, says in tears,"How can I miss someone so much, that I've never even met?" And that statement is so well expressed.