Status Update

Many of you have been asking how we have been doing. It has been a little over a month since we found out our baby had passed away and I had the operation.

There are good days, and there are hard days. There are still nights where I cry myself to sleep, but those are not most nights. I still find myself going to sleep and waking up with my hands on my belly, because I used to go to sleep praying for the baby. I still feel movement in my lower belly and my mind first immediately thinks, "Its the baby kicking!," followed by the reminder, "No, there is no baby, remember?" We just started getting the bills in the mail, and it tore me up inside to know that we will have to pay for a child that we never got to see.

Someone encouraged me to really pour into my husband and children here when I miss my other children; to take that emotional energy and transfer it into actively loving and appreciating what God has given me presently. That has truly been transforming for me.

I have had some very endearing moments with Marcail and Donovan as it has made me more tender towards them. Whenever I find myself fretting over the mess on the floor that they made, or the constant diaper changes, or their demands and annoying whining and having to correct them over and over, I just suddenly remember that I am so blessed. All of that is just the territory you cover when you have children. And I would rather have all their messes and tears, than to have a perfectly clean house and never have them in my life. Instead of thinking, "Oh, man, I have to cook dinner for us tonight," I think, "I get to cook dinner for my family tonight!" And while I am washing the dishes, the clothes, and the floor, I find myself grateful for my family who makes me work so hard : ) Because it means I have a family I am caring for.