New Beginnings

It's late. The family is sleeping, the house is dark, and outside the crickets are chirping. Lately I've been taking solace in the quiet moments; there are very few of them : ) Sometimes I will slip outside while the rest of the family is bustling in the house, and sit outside in the soft noise of nature. The trees rustling in the breeze. The birds flitting from tree to tree. The far-away barks of neighborhood dogs. And I am rejuvenated in the stillness of non-damanding time. There's only about 5-10 minutes of that, but still, I'll take it!

In growing a family, I've found there has come a time where I've been able to wrap my mind around the fact that a family = noise. Lots of noise. I know it sounds silly that its taken me so long to figure it out, but I am glad that it finally dawned on me : ) It also means lots of interruptions. Inconvenient interruptions. Just today I don't think I used the restroom once without a walk-in of some sort. Well, maybe once. But this is what a family looks like, and a lot of my frustration has been eliminated in the shining revelation that family-life really is a sort of organized chaos. It just is. There is no way I can plan my life perfectly enough to be able to account for all the interruptions and noise in my day, that comes with raising 3 small children. No way can I dream up all the situations in a single day that forms itself like a delicate and complicated obstacle course. Here and there, I have to stop myself and pray for the grace to extend what I absolutely feel I do not have left to give; patience, wisdom, gentleness, understanding.... along with a clean house, folded laundry, food in the fridge, and plenty of diapers on hand.

All the demands I had found completely overwhelming. Let's be honest... sometimes they still are. But recently, like pinpoints of light in a dark room, I've been able to embrace the reality of my own inadequacies. I realize that sounds like a paradox. But it means that I am finally seeing, without fear, myself as I really am: the blatant truth that, I am not perfect! Never will be perfect. Do you realize how exhausting it is to strive for something that can never be? I will tell you, it is exhausting. Actually, exhausting is an understatement. Try utter depletion.

Now, don't get me wrong; I am determined to give my best, my all. But that is not the same as perfection, and I can never deliver perfection. In the moments of stillness, I realize who is Big and who is small. Who is Perfect and who is not and can never be. Who is the Source and who desperately needs the Source. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure lifted as I can clearly see that God never expected me to be adequate in the first place. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I believe that Andrew and I are good parents. But I also know that we fall short of being everything our children need in every moment. For someone that tries to be perfect, that is a frustrating fact! This is when I pray that in those moments of inadequacy, God will step in and graciously fill those gaps we cannot possibly fill. We have a Big God. And I believe He is more than thrilled to make Himself tangibly real in those moments.

In my life, these realizations come to life in new ways; my children have a mother who is a little more patient with them, simply because I have more grace to let them be children. They are not perfect, either. My husband has a wife who is a little less,.... shall we say "emotional"? : ) with him because in accepting my inadequacies, I have more grace for his. It is a journey of new beginnings, and I am excited to see the fresh changes along the way.