The Dancers

(Yes, that's oooold DC Talk playing in the background)

Grandma comes for a visit

I think most of us can agree that there is nothing quite like mommy to help make everything better : ) My mom flew in last week, right after she heard the news, and she will be here until this Thursday. We have had a fantastic time!
















Out for a walk in this BEAUTIFUL weather!


















Donovan jumping up and down.


















Not a picture of grandma, but see how happy we are?! :)


















Dancing in the kitchen.


















Out for another walk under the gorgeous blue skies.




Last night, we went out for dinner (free subs), and then went across the street for ice cream at Coldstone. What a nice treat!

Faith

Right now, it is late at night. I can't really sleep. Too much is on my mind. I count the days since I found out the heart-breaking news about our baby, and I cannot believe it has only been 5 days. I could swear it has been 3 weeks. I have been through so many thoughts, so many emotions. I have to be honest here and admit that I've had very real doubts; doubts about God. Doubts about His faithfulness. Certainly doubts about my faith in Him. I suppose anyone in my shoes (and again I have to be honest and realize that some people have been through much worse) would have to sit back and re-evaluate what they really believe. The mind has to come to some sort of SOMETHING that makes sense, and trying to grapple with something that has no answers is a very vulnerable and frustrating place to be.
And after these very intense days of agonizing and.... oh, there is no word I can think of to describe the sadness,... it suddenly came to me. Faith. If I were to hold on to "faith" as some sort of guarantee that nothing in life would give me pain, it would be nothing more to me than some sort of good-luck-charm. And I would go through life and discover and discard hundreds of good-luck-charms and never find anything that would make life pain-free for me. That is why so many people become irritated with God (as I have done), feel betrayed by Him, (as I have felt), and walked away thinking, "God doesn't care after all," or "God doesn't exist." And truthfully, every single person who has lived, is living, and will ever live on this earth, WILL go through pain. All of us; no one is exempt.
The hard fact about Faith in God is that it can't even really begin to exist until you put it up against pain, against tragedy. It doesn't even become truly birthed until the day comes when your world gets rocked, shattered, broken beyond recognition -- I know this happens on many different levels for different people, it is not the same hardship for everyone-- That is when you decide to have Faith, that beyond what you can understand, in spite of what you feel, in spite of the doubts that you are tempted to listen to, that God is doing something beyond what you can see at the moment, and it is also probably far bigger than you realize.
Holocaust survivor, Corrie ten Boom, wrote a poem about a tapestry. We on this earth see the underside of the tapestry of our lives. We see criss-crosses that don't make sense. They actually look downright ugly. We see the knots. They look hideous. What are they there for? We think we see a pattern to emerge and then it stops. What happened? We are so easily tempted to think, "Doesn't God know how ugly this looks? This is a mess! All of these things break my heart, and I'm supposed to have faith in Him?!" Most of the time, He really doesn't answer more than, "Yes. I love you so much. Trust Me, that what I am doing is beautiful. Hang in there. I am with you every step of the way." And that is all the answer we get.
Finally, the day comes when we see everything from His point of view. We see the upper-side of the tapestry. And it takes our breath away. It was more glorious than we could have possibly imagined. All of the knots make sense now, all of the criss-crosses have meaning. Never would we have guessed that His purposes were so loving, so glorious and so beautiful. How could we have ever doubted His intentions towards us? But He knew the whole time.
And that is Faith.

A Conversation

Here is a conversation I had on the ever-popular Facebook, via "chat," with my friend Amanda Taylor, who lives here in Colorado Springs. I was crying by the end of this-- of course, that is all I seem to be doing these days-- But I hope it will touch your heart as it did mine, because we have been flooded with notes and calls, and offers for meals and prayers, etc. What she says is true, and I have so many of you to thank for it:

Amanda : Got the news last night, I am praying for you and the fam and anything I can do please let me know

Anneke: ok
I just wish there was something
like a new heart that doesn't hurt so much
something along those lines
but you can't get those at wal-mart
or a baby
but thank you :)

Amanda: yes that is true and wal mart sells everything, but God promises us that through our pain and times where are hearts feel like they won't find peace that that He will be that peace

Anneke: I feel like I've prayed for bread
and my Father keeps giving me scorpions
in my head I know that He is a good Father
even when it doesn't make sense
but I don't know that the core of me REALLY believes that
I want to
but I feel like I keep getting stabbed in the heart over and over

Amanda: remember the story of moses in the old testment?

Anneke: which one

Amanda: there was a section in there that talked about how he stood at the top of a mountain and as long as his arms were raised his people were winning and when they lowered they were losing

Anneke: yes

Amanda: when his arms got really tired aaron and another person stood beside him and helped him by lifting a arm each. its may sound silly but that story makes me think of you right now

Anneke: i don't understand, I guess...

Amanda: i know that your heart is breaking right now and andrew's as well and both of you may feel like putting your arm's down because of not understanding how God works when things like this happen

Amanda: but take heart and be encouraged that right now knowing that beside you and andrew on this mountain right now as your arms are feeling weary and you want to just lower them that there are family behind you lifting them up as you go through this battle

Anneke: thank you
that means a lot

Amanda: no problem, for some reason it got stirred in me listening and I am starting to learn when God starts speaking even if it does not make sense to me that it may to the person I am talking with

Anneke: it does

Amanda: then it makes my heart happy because I did what God wanted me to do

Please, God, Not Again

I have the sad news of sharing with you that our current baby has gone as well. I have just come back from the doctor's, where they couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, and took me immediately to get an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat at all. But I saw the baby, and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
My heart is broken, and of course filled with questions that have no answers. My feelings are so many, and yet numb at the same time. I hate that I have to go through this again. I hurt that there is another little baby that I will never hold in this life-time, never tickle and never hear their laughter, never be able to study their perfect eyebrows, lips, fingers, and toes.
Goodbye, Little One. I will always love you, and will ask Jesus to give you kisses for me. One day I will meet you and it will be such a beautiful moment....

Coffee Buddy

Ever since I had Marcail, I have been determined to accustom her taste, from an early age, to like coffee. You have to understand, Andrew is not a big fan of coffee (he will have a little bit here and there). So I need a coffee buddy!! When she is 21 and I am in my 40s, I want to be able to share regular coffee time with her, and have some great bonding time, whether we chat over a home-brew or a Starbucks. I am not sure if it is normal to think this far ahead in the future, but there it is.
Now, for those of you that may be concerned that I am just loading her up with caffeine and buzzing her out, no need to worry! Whenever she has the occasional "cup" (sippy cup) of coffee, it is more along the lines of milk (and flavored creamer, of course) with a touch a coffee. She LOVES it! And I am so happy : ) My plan is working : )
However, I just put her down for her nap, and she is whimpering in her crib for "my coffee!!"

This Weekend

Because I figured I didn't have enough to do this weekend, I undertook the challenge of adding 2 more little children to my brood. The parents needed a little getaway-a ski trip- and hadn't had a weekend to themselves in over 2 years. I had 4 children all to myself (Andrew was working this whole weekend) that were 2 1/2 and under.












































Wow. What a time. I think I thought to myself several times, "oh my gosh, how does Sarah (Bass) do it and stay sane?" It wasn't necessarily the chores that made it soooo time consuming --- it was more the dramatics of having two 2 year old GIRLS "playing" together and my broken- hearted little boy (he didn't like sharing me with a 6 month old baby). Talk about plenty of drama that kept coming!!!













































But by the end of the time, I felt that I had started to adapt to the challenge of it all; like it wasn't so draining as in the beginning. I will have to advise myself next time, to have Andrew around for some help, and some adult conversation : )

















































Nonetheless, we had plenty of fun-- baths, fingernail painting, coloring, cookies and milk, and nap times where Marcail taught Kadence how to throw all her things out of the crib and jump up and down for 2 hours before falling asleep.... oops!! : )

A Story

On our way to Florida for Christmas, somewhere along the drive, Marcail had been very chipper and talkative. After a while, she quieted down. I had assumed that she had finally nodded off to sleep. I was driving, and Andrew was napping beside me, so I was enjoying the quiet solitude and the rhythm of the tires along the road (for some reason, it is a very soothing sound to me). About 30 minutes went by before Andrew stirred and glanced around. "Anneke, we need to pull over right away....Marcail got into your make-up." Thats all he would say about it, so I figured it wasn't too bad.
We stopped at a gas station, and I was able to turn around and look at her at last. Oh my. Those were the only words that came to mind at that moment. She was THRILLED with herself! She had managed to get into my purse and open up my tube of lipstick. Before I continue further, you should know that the color was fortunately not bright red... more like a beige- pink. Any ways, this girl had painted her whole self with this lipstick. It was all over every available flesh that was not covered with clothes, and she was wearing a dress, so her whole legs were exposed. Legs, toes, bottom of the feet, arms, elbows, front and back of hands, and every inch of her face and neck. (Now, children do learn by example, but I can promise you that she has never seen me put my lipstick on like this.)
I had a big bottle of make-up remover and cotton balls, which did the trick, along with 20 minutes of rubbing and scrubbing.
The best part about it, the best part of the story, is when I wailed, half humored and half frustrated, "Marcail, WHY did you do this?!" and she simply and cheerfully replied, "I wanted to color!"

I'm back

This past week has been very eventful- suffice it to say that I'm very glad to not be sick anymore. It is such a great feeling to be healthy and efficient again!