For something a little lighter...

On Sunday, in church during worship, Donovan told daddy, "I gave Jesus my heart. I don't want it anymore."

I have to say that adjusting to three children has been the roughest transition yet. Taking care of 3 children feels most of the time like the most demanding job I've ever had. Not that the children are demanding especially more than any other children their ages... its just that they are the ages where they cannot yet do much on their own, or unsupervised, at least.

I know that to get the day started off most efficiently, I should get up long before the children do. At the risk of appearing very lazy, I will just go ahead and confess that they are my alarm clock almost every morning. This is mostly because Andrew and I get to bed late. And this is because when the children go down for the night, we love nothing more than hanging out with each other. We get a precious few hours every night for it to be just the two of us. I covet that time together, even if it means losing a little sleep, and a lot of organization the next morning.

I have tried making lists to help me stay focused on housework and preplanning for upcoming events.... but, it is the absolute truth that lists stress me out! I will still be scrubbing the toilets at 9 o'clock at night, with the baby screaming for attention, while I am stubbornly determined to finish the job, because "clean bathrooms" is on my list! I know this is laughable, and I do laugh at myself for it, so feel free to join me : ) I will also find myself impatient with the children because it will take me an hour to unload the dishwasher and reload it, due to the interruptions (and such other duties).

But the most exhausting thing about having three children, is that I cannot keep track of all three at the same time; all of them are often in three different places at any given time! Once, last week, I checked up on Donovan in the bathroom. He had unrolled the toilet paper to the bare tube (AGAIN) and had generously given the toilet half of it! Good times. I think I was almost shaking with anger, while being rendered speechless, and I kept thinking, "Count to ten - Count to ten - Count to ten." When I came back downstairs, Marcail was coloring on her brand new pants with a pen (where did she even get that pen???). And all the commotion woke up the baby! I know that this doesn't sound like a particularly trying set of circumstances, but when this sort of thing happens full circle aaaaalllllllllll day long, I find myself begging God for grace to give out what I do not feel I have.

I always remind myself that this IS what I wanted... I wanted to be married and have children. I wanted to stay home with them and be able to pour myself into them. I wanted desperately to have a third child after 2 miscarriages. So, I feel guilty when I find myself complaining about the struggles of motherhood. I had always envisioned myself as a very patient, nurturing, smiling mother. I had no idea how impatient, frazzled, and scowling I could really be!

I think I should clarify that I am not eternally frustrated - I have a wide range of emotions throughout the day. Literally from tears of happiness and thankfulness, to tears of helplessness, discouragement, and repentance! Hello, I am female : )

A very real solace for me is knowing that everything I am walking through right now is normal. I have had some seasoned mothers to whom I've begged, "Please tell me this is just a phase!" They would laugh with understanding and assure me that this stage IS a very stretching and it IS normal for mothers to often feel they've reached the verge of insanity. Whew!!!

Little Ms. M as a gymnast

Marcail started gymnastics a couple of weeks ago! What a cute little girl she is in her little leotard and slender little muscles. She is really loving the activity, and being able to see her Aunt April : ) I am so excited for her; she seems like a natural, with how she already points her toes, and loves to tumble at home. Donovan just stands in the entrance and seems captivated and content to watch. Its pretty cute to watch him watch his sister with such fascination : ) We'll see if his interest peaks enough to warrant his own participation in the future!

Home

I am continually amazed at how natural it feels to be back in Franklin. When we knew we were going to be moving home, I wasn't sure what to expect; honestly, I purposely left it that way since any transition has some level of adjustment. Having a baby is that way. Changing jobs is that way. Moving is most certainly that way.

I know that moving back to where you already know people is MUCH different than moving to where you know no-one, so I feel that we have a good bit of advantage in our transition curve. At times it seems strange to be back in such a small town, where you will undoubtably always run into someone you know (or used to know) in the grocery store. And then again, that is the quaintness of it that also gives it its charm.

But most of the time, its when we are driving through the curvy, country roads into the green mountains here, in the quietness of the pastures, creeks, and thick leafy forests, and breathing in the thick fragrance of soil and humid vegetation... that is when my heart feels rested, and like I have returned to the place I know and love. The peace in my soul assures me that we are in the right place at the right time.

There's no place like home.

The Ol' Stomping Grounds

Here we are at Andrew's parents' house in Seneca... what a great time! True to fashion, we stayed up much later than we should and played Settlers. That's just what we do when we come to Seneca : ) And we are spending the night. Just like I used to do back when Andrew and I were dating; now here we are, with 3 children, and packing for an overnight is MUCH more work than it was when it was just me! Marcail and Donovan had a fantastic time playing with their cousins, Alyssa and Josiah. And they had way too much fun at bedtime tonight - it's 12:30 a.m. and I am not sure they are even asleep yet....

Franklin, North Carolina

We have moved from Colorado Springs, Colorado, all the way to Franklin, North Carolina. I wanted to do this post after I redid the look of my blog, to commemorate our new adventure, but seriously.... when do I have time to redecorate and update everything all in one go??? It'll have to come in stages!

We have been here for about two weeks now, and boy, has it been busy. The whole past month has been ridiculously busy, actually : ) Once we knew we were moving home, time sped by. We had so many details to get on top of and nail down. It seemed like there was no way we would accomplish it all in time. Saying goodbye to everyone was much more bittersweet than I had anticipated, especially since by the time we could tell everyone, there was only about 3-4 wks left... everyone was taken by surprise. And of course we had to get together with everyone one last time before we left, too. So our days were busy, and flying by!

The move itself was insanity. I worked the night the movers came. Everyone said, "You're working, and you're leaving in the morning?!?" But think about it. There was no way I was going to have 3 children underfoot in a house that was being emptied by movers. That would qualify as chaos. I got to go to church one last time, hug all my amazing friends there, say goodbye, and my kids had a fantastic time playing there one last time.

When I came home, the whole house still needed to be cleaned. We started cleaning around 11pm, finished at 2 pm, and got up at 5pm. That's right. 3 hours of sleep with a very full day ahead of us. We thought that we were being generous in allotting 4 hours of "stop-time" in our 12 hr journey. Hmmmmm. It ended up being 7 hrs of stops. We were supposed to pull into Bentonville, Arkansas by 8 pm. It was more like 2 am! Once we figured out that the kids did much better at night, we decided that we would drive through the night the next night (yes, that means skipping sleep). We rested up in Bentonville with our great friends there, and left that night around 9 pm. Around 4 a.m. I insisted we stop for a nap somewhere, and we pulled off at a rest area. I promptly fell asleep. We were on the road about 2 hrs later, and continued driving until we came to Franklin, around 7 p.m. As if that schedule was not harrowing enough, we also had other "adventures" which included: me actually driving the 26ft moving truck (pulling the SUV) because I was so desperate for some air conditioning; driving said truck with the left hand, and pumping breast milk with the right.... and then feeding the baby from the bottle with the right hand; and last, but not least, making a scene in a small town in Tennessee when I came up to a bridge that was too low for me to clear through in the moving truck. Yeah...... Not the best of days!

When we arrived in Franklin, Andrew suggested that we start unpacking the truck and find our bedding stuff and sleep in the house for the first night. Here, I put my foot down. Okay..... I explained to him through my tears of frustration that I had enough toll for a few days and did not want to unpack ANYTHING. I just wanted to sleeeeeeeppppppp. He is such a good husband. We got a hotel room for all 5 of us to crash in, that night.

Friends and family arrived in the morning to help us unpack. It was so exciting to see everyone again!!! I love happy reunions and the joy in them. Its so good for my heart. And it was also exciting to move everything into this gorgeous house. This house truly makes me feel spoiled. If it was just a little better than the one we had in the Springs, I would have felt blessed. But this..... this is over-the-top amazing, and makes me feel like the Lord reached down and gave me a HUGE hug and kiss!!! I'd post some pictures, but have yet to find my camera.

Andrew started his new job, and is really enjoying it. I have pretty much got us all settled in and things in place, besides my camera : ) Sometimes I have an ache in my heart for the life we had in Colorado. I suppose that is normal. We truly did love it there, and had a supportive network of friends, and went to, and worked for, a fantastic church. We loved the beauty of the Rocky Mountains. But mostly I miss the relationships. Not just with friends, but also even with my doctor (she would actually pray with me when I was pregnant with Aero). I guess its just missing the groove I knew and was so familiar with.

But the main pull for us to come back was to be with family again. And that pretty much overrode everything and everyone in Colorado that we knew we would miss like crazy. We have already loved having them in our lives and I love being in theirs. They are some of the best people I know. Seeing my children play with their cousins, and knowing they will have the opportunity to grow up with them, makes my heart wondrously happy. I did not grow up with any extended family and had always wanted that for my children. And here we are!

Surgery

Because Aero was in the NICU, we hit our family deductible with our insurance. And with that being the case, Andrew had surgery on his foot a few weeks ago. He had broken his foot when I was 8 months pregnant with Donovan (that was fun!), and has had screws in there ever since then. Taking the screws out is considered a full surgery, and we didn't have the extra $$$ to take care of it. But since we hit our deductible this year, we decided that we might as well get that surgery taken care of. He has healed well and is glad to be on the other side of this, finally.

Next on our list is Marcail. She has had a cyst of some sort in her throat since she was born. You can see it when she tilts her head up - exactly in the middle of where her collar bones meet. We had it looked at last year by a throat specialist, who said that it probably is not dangerous now, but its always uncertain what it could turn into down the road. So... you can probably guess the rest - she is getting throat surgery on Monday. I know its a minor surgery, but I still feel like I'm going to tear up badly then, seeing her getting ready to be operated on. But I think its still the best thing to do at this point- also because her scar should not be very visible when she's an adult if she gets this done now. I'm a girl, so I understand wanting to look pretty : )

That should be the end of our short but full surgery list. It feels very rushed, especially in light of other changes taking place here. I'll address that later. No, I am not pregnant : ) -I only say that because some people have asked that when I told them I had some news- but please pray for our family!

Still Adjusting but Almost There

Having a new baby is always a big adjustment. Its exhilarating to hold a new life in your arms, the same life that grew forever in your belly. It exhausting to be awoken at night, every few hours, to a demanding, hungry cry. Its heart warming to see your baby's first smile, and realize that they recognize you as their mommy. Its one of the best feelings in the world to smell a newborn's head as they are snuggled up in the crook of your neck. Being a parent sometimes make you wonder if you could ever be spread thinner on the patience level than you are right now. Sometimes you want a huge field to scream in, with no one to hear and wonder if you have truly lost your wits. Sometimes you want to gather all your children up in your arms like a mother hen, and kiss and hug every one of them at the same time. You find yourself wanting a moment's peace, and then when you are away from it all, you miss the noise and chaos like crazy. Somehow, in the insanity of it all, your children have crept into your heart and claimed a huge chunk of it, and it hits you that your life is changed forever with them in it. Every one of your children will hold huge pieces of your heart until the day when your life on this earth is over. And even then, I suppose you will still love them.

Introducing Aero Stuart

Hi everyone! I am so proud to show off our new little bundle... he is a beauty and sooooo handsome! Again, I will blame that on Andrew : )

Every person that has seen him has remarked that he looks like Donovan; I do agree, but see a lot of Marcail in him. I pulled some pics as a "blast from the past" to refresh my memory. What do you think? I think Aero is a beautiful mix of his siblings.

MARCAIL:

DONOVAN:

AERO:

This first week back has been a complete blur. Our church hosts a HUGE youth conference every summer, and Andrew, as the head Audio Engineer of course has to be present, and working. We hardly saw him at all. He came home at night to sleep from 4-6 hrs, and that was about it. Single parenting, when healing from a C-section, and taking care of a newborn plus 2 preschoolers, is not exactly something I would recommend : ) I definitely had my hair-pulling moments. Post-pregnancy women are hormonal enough anyways.

That is not to say that I had no help... I certainly did. Meals were graciously provided almost every night by our friends. I cannot explain how grateful I was that not only did I not have to cook, I also didn't have to make any grocery store runs! My mom took care of every stitch of laundry before she left (she had to fly back the morning after Aero was born), which gave me 3 days of no laundry duty! I also had friends who stopped by every day/every other day, just to visit for a couple of hours. I really needed some adult conversation. They really loved getting in some baby cuddle/ bottle feeding time, anyways. Which gave me time to do other tasks.

Aero is not much work though.... he is such a peaceful little baby. He sleeps a ton, and wakes up and cries if his diaper is dirty or if he's hungry. Otherwise he is content to look around and study everything he sees, and coo every once in a while. He is such a blessing, and he melts my heart already! I don't really mind the night feedings, either; to have that time alone with him and stare endlessly at his perfect features, is such a dream come true. And I really mean it; it feels like a dream come true and I have such strong emotions of thankfulness and gratitude to the Lord for being SO GOOD to us.

All of that to say: Andrew started his 2 week paternal leave TODAY!!! I am such a happy woman! We were both able to "sleep in" this morning, and I got a nap in this afternoon. Just to have an extra hand in handling Marcail and Donovan, has been truly refreshing. Tonight we plan on staying up late to watch a movie together (I love being married 5 years and still loving staying up WAY too late together). I love having time to breath and play a little bit. And having time to put together a blog posting : )

Here We Are...

We are getting a baby boy tonight! He will arrive via c-section in a couple of hours, so I have been tying up all the loose ends around here to prep for his arrival (mostly just finishing the luggage packing for me and the kids).

Everyone has been asking me if I am disappointed that it'll be a c-section, and not a regular birth like I was hoping. The short answer is "Yes." When the doctor finished giving us all his assessments on what the lack of progress was looking like, I asked for some time to talk with Andrew. As soon as the doctor walked out and shut the door, I burst into tears. I just needed a few minutes to re-adjust my reality perception from what I hoping, to what was actually possible.

I am still a little emotional about our decision, but given all the factors (which I won't go into right now), it is the best decision for our baby, and for me.

At the moment, I am growing excited with the anticipation of meeting our son in just a couple of hours! Who does he look like? What color hair does he have, and what color are his eyes? In just a little bit, I will know!!!

And his name, is:

Aero Stuart Makinson

Waiting

Surprise! I'm actually posting something on here after an eternity of silence. We are still waiting on the arrival of our son - he seems to be happy and content, cooped up in my belly, and not really interested in a new adventure quite yet. So he is taking his sweet time, even though we passed his due date yesterday.

Admittedly, I've been at the point of impatience, and managed to talk myself back into sanity, only to return to frustration with the lack of progress. This cycle goes round and round quite often, and I find that I still prefer to have everything happen on my time table. I have to laugh at myself in this, remembering the past couple of years and the heartaches they held, remembering waiting for the Lord's perfect timing for the conception of this pregnancy, and remembering this same familiar feeling of frustration with having to simply..... w a i t. And here I am again, waiting on timing that is out of my ability to control.

I have very real feelings of joy, realizing that we are SO CLOSE to meeting our little baby; this little life that we have so longed for, and desired; this little boy that has already restored so much happiness and hope. I think it is the very thing that also makes me feel so impatient! But, I would like to be able to see this waiting time as the blessing that it truly is - a pregnancy that has been the answer to many prayers and tears. None of this has been a process that I've been able to hurry along; instead, it has been a walk of trust and faith in God's timing that is not my own.

I suppose it is only fitting that this pregnancy should end in the same way : )

Her Interpretation

With me bringing the children to KidsLife so much, (our church's Children's Department childcare for staff and small-group attendees; I work there during the week) they have started coming home singing a lot of worship songs, since at every KidsLife session, we do worship complete with hand motions, a Bible story/lesson, and craft. One song we do, "Your Name," has a verse in it that says, "Come inspire our hearts today." I found Marcail singing it, ever so sweetly, as, "Come in spider hearts hearts today."

: )

In spite of my resolve to be more consistent in my blogging activities, it always seems to get away from me for one reason or another. This week, for instance, I have been buried in the excitement of the stomach bug. Thankfully, I have not acquired it, but everyone else in the family did, and Donovan even got a double-whammy of it. Tuesday night I was holding two small trash cans for Marcail and Donovan's relief, and calling Andrew on my cell phone at the same time: "Baby, WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?!?" Needless to say, my washing machine has been going non-stop, I've refilled my disinfectant bottle several times, gone through many rolls of paper towels, and scrubbed the house down several times.

Nonetheless, I've enjoyed the time here at home. The business of marching to the beat of the clock has halted for the past week, since I've stayed at home since Tuesday afternoon. No rushing out the door to get to church on time, or the gym, or the store or anything. No alarm clocks. This is my silver lining, and its been refreshing in its own way. The rest of the family has been sleeping a lot as their bodies have been trying to get back to health; which has left me plenty of free time to...... nap : ) Love it.

Thought for the Day

"People cannot consistently behave in ways that are inconsistent with the way they perceive themselves. You don't change yourself by your perception. You change your perception of yourself by believing the truth."

Neil T. Anderson

I am seeing in my own life that what I truly believe about myself, and who I am in Christ, (not what I should think about myself, or wish that I could) affects everything and everyone that I influence. Seeing that scares me a little! Maybe more than a little : ) But more than anything, it makes me desire to make sure I am truly believing the Truth.

The children are watching Cinderella, and I am busy at the computer in the same room. At one point, Marcail points and exclaims to Donovan," Look! Gus-Gus (one of the mice) has a big belly just like my mommy!"

Belly Pic at 5 months

Everything seems to be expanding at a rapid pace! I told Andrew that at least all the "curves" are remaining somewhat proportionate : )

The baby is moving around quite a bit, and I am LOVING it! I don't care at this point if he is keeping me up or waking me up at night. I've longed for this for so long, that my heart just fills with joy. Maybe at 8 months the sentimentality of it will have worn off : ) but for now, I am truly enjoying this pregnancy.

And, what do I think about someone who says, "I can't even tell you're pregnant?!?" I don't think I can post it on here...

And I had to post this, too. Marcail wanted Daddy to take a picture of her teddy's belly too. I think mine wins out : ) What do you think???

Hair Play

One night at home, I decided to put ALL of Marcail's bows and clips in her hair, just for the fun of it; and because I kept finding her in her bathroom "doing her hair" when she was supposed to be sleeping... So I confiscated her hair things and decided she needed a time set aside for hair play. She really enjoyed it, and so did I! The only downfall was the next morning, when she wanted to go to church with all the bows in her hair again. Ummmm, no : )

What Kids Say

The other day, we were in the parking lot at church. Although we both work there, sometimes Andrew goes in earlier than I do, so on those days we have to take separate vehicles. The nice thing is that Andrew will often help me load and unload the children from the car when I arrive or leave.

Andrew had just finished buckling Marcail in her car seat, said goodbye, and left for his truck across the parking lot. Marcail asked, "Mommy, where did daddy go?" I replied, "I think he went to his truck." Then she answered, "Do you guess so, or do you think so?" I totally did a double-take with her question, and finally composed myself to say, "Marcail, I know so." I laughed to myself and shook my head in disbelief at the same time. The things she comes up with!

We Have a Ballerina

One thing I was extremely blessed with, in my childhood, was a dance troupe at church; for free, no less. I LOVED it! A while ago, my friend told me about New Life's Ballet Class for Marcail's age, but it had never worked out until they started a Friday class. Marcail is such a slender little girl, with amazing balance and poise, that I have often wondered if she would naturally take to ballet. Well, yesterday was the day for her first "real" attempt, and she really did seem to enjoy it!

Her very good friend, Kadence, was there, and they seemed to enjoy being enamored with each other, as much as dancing, but I must say it was SO CUTE!

I was told they will actually learn ballet positions and movements. Very impressive!

My Heart Still Melts

This little boy of mine still steals my heart. There is nothing like a sleeping child to remind you of how precious life is.

Our Foxy Friend

seems to have adopted us. Or at least, our backyard. He shows up every day or two and takes long naps in the sunshine. The children have made it a part of their morning routine to climb on the dining room chairs to look out the window and see if he is there sleeping.

One afternoon, I glanced outside to see him chowing down on...... something? I watched him for several minutes before I could discern that his dinner was a little chipmunk. Eew.

I have wondered what sort of dilemma this will provide for us, come summertime, as the children will be playing out back a good deal of the time. But the fox seems to still have a healthy fear of humans; Andrew has gone outside to shovel snow or such, and the little guy immediately awakes and jumps over the fence in less than 2 seconds. For now, at least, we can still be "friends."

Baby Update

My Doctor called last week. When our ultrasound and follow-up appointment were done last week, she was out of the office with a delivery, so I didn't get to talk with her personally at the time. Apparently, the placenta is low-lying, a condition called placenta previa. Essentially, the placenta is low enough that it covers some degree of the cervix, blocking the baby's exit.

It is very normal for this condition to reverse itself between 20 and 30 weeks (the baby is 21 weeks). If it doesn't reverse by 30 weeks (because it typically remains in place after then), a c-section will be scheduled for the baby's delivery. I was so relieved to hear that this was "worst case scenario"! A c-section, I can handle; that's all I know!!! Depending on the severity of the placement of the placenta, I also could be ordered to bed rest (which for me would be akin to torture).

For now, we will wait to do another ultrasound, probably closer to 30 weeks, and take it from there. Right now, I have complete peace about our little boy. By this point, I'm just so grateful to have another child, I don't care whether or not I get my preference of a normal birth. Please continue praying for the protection of our son in whatever course this story goes!

Back to Reality

We've enjoyed beautiful January weather this year; it has been so much like spring, that I actually went to the garden center at Wal-Mart to enjoy the plants--- but they still had Christmas ornaments up! Whooops : ) I guess it is still January : )

As of last night, though, it is snowing outside and the roads have become frightful! Tonight we will stay inside a warm and dry house, and enjoy some shepherd's pie and peach cobbler a la mode. YUM!

ITS A BOY!!!!

....a healthy, 11 oz little guy. Everyone has been asking what I wanted; to be perfectly honest, I've wanted a happy, healthy child, more than any specific gender. I feel so blessed to be entrusted with children that the Lord gives to us. We have been praying for "#3" for years, and I know that he will be the perfect addition to our little family.

We've had a name picked out for a while, but Andrew wants to reserve the right to change his mind, so I don't think I'll post the name on here quite yet : )

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your prayers. Please continue in praying with us for this new, little life!

Tomorrow

....we find out first thing in the morning what the sex of the baby is, and of course, if the baby seems to be healthy. Stay tuned!

I do mean to post more often, but it seems that everytime I sit down to post, duty calls, and I have to postpone my thoughts for another time.

I want to thank all of you for your phone calls, emails, and comments, regarding my last post. Its been so encouraging to find that these experiences are normal, and that I am not alone! Surprisingly enough, Marcail has toned it down a bit AND I've been doing a better job at finding ways to soothe her moods.

Anyways, in the meantime, I will try and sleep tonight (in my excitement/nervousness over tomorrow), and leave all my concerns in the Lord's hands; that's the best place for them, anyways : )

Back Again

It sure has been awhile since I last posted anything. The thought of catching up on pictures from Thanksgiving/ Christmas, and everything in-between is quite daunting, so I will just hit the ground running from this point. Pictures from the holidays may or may not appear, so no promises!

My darling princess Marcail has officially set her mommy into tears of frustration - though she hasn't seen it. I have sought experienced mothers out, and am relieved to hear that everything she is doing is a "phase;" a battle of wills and I must be consistent and show her that I am truly Queen. As smart as she is, I would've thought she would understand the concept by now!

Our main struggle has been to keep her in bed during bedtime. Although we are consistent in disciplining her in this, she continues to think she can rewrite the rules on this. Some of the results are comical: finding her fast asleep on the potty with her blanket draped over her entire head and body (is the toilet REALLY more comfortable than her bed???), or asleep under Donovan's crib, or anywhere else she happens to land when her gas runs out. The other night I woke up to some noise, at 1:30 in the morning, and crept downstairs where I found her taking Christmas ornaments off the tree (which is and has been definitely OFF LIMITS). She has tried rummaging through our bedroom and bathroom (also always off limits) during her naptime, and attempted to smear chapstick, lotion, Vaseline, etc. on the walls and tear up all our bandaids. This afternoon I found her in Donovan's room, having woken him up from his nap, turned his light on, destroying another box of bandaids that she illegally obtained from our bedroom. Why?!?! If I leave Donovan in her room (they have shared a room for years), she will climb into his crib, wake him up, and have a jumping party on his mattress. So we have had to split them up for now.

On top of this, she has started asking "Why?" about everything. I don't find it cute, because I don't think she really wants to know "Why?" I think she likes the "game of 'why?' " Finally today I started asking her "Why?" about everything, and I could see her understand my viewpoint. Eventually she asked me to, "Please stop asking 'Why?' " Hopefully I got somewhere with that.

And of course she has an alternative for everything I tell her to do. If I want her to wear a jacket, she doesn't need one. If I pick out a pair of shoes, she wants to wear a different pair. When we sit down to eat, she still tries to bring her blanket and some toys with her. When I try to help her get buckled in her car seat, she immediately wants to do it on her own, but when I leave it to her, she demands help. Every time, she wants to argue about it. Every time, I put my foot down. And still she tries to make the rules.

Understand that I love my child, but mostly what frustrates me in all of this is..... my frustration, my anger, my feeling of helplessness. I feel so lacking in emotional strength and fortitude..... and tenderness and love. Of course I knew child-rearing was work. Maybe sometimes I think its not supposed to be and that's where I end up feeling shocked and blindsided? I'm not sure.... My comfort has been in knowing that mothers tell me that this is motherhood. This is the "3's" phase. I so want to believe it!!!

And so, I hope to come out on the other side of this being well -seasoned and matured : ) and having a daughter who reflects the attributes of good training. Pray with me!